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I feel intensely anxious about a party I’m meant to be going to tonight, as if I’m going to be put on the spot and judged. I feel sick, I feel like I’m overheating and shaking and I feel panicky. I wish I didn’t feel this way because I’ll spend my whole life indoors not fucking doing anything. I want to be free and do things that make me feel alive but my anxiety stops me so I can’t see the point in living. I feel as if I’ve figured things out about myself recently and that’s thanks to Gayle. I’ve dreamt about things that I’ve never dreamed before and they’re inspiring. I want to paint and draw and read and write, I don’t feel guilty for who I am any more. I don’t feel like I have to apologise. By exercising and looking after myself I’m reclaiming myself from my own restrictions. I have feelings for someone which will never lead to anything and it makes me feel like at least I know when my love isn’t based solely on reciprocation

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