the time for being unrelentless is now

I do not believe in true love and I do not believe that you can ever completely trust anyone. I don’t know why I crave security so much, but I know that people are irrational just like me, so I will never find that person or place that makes me feel complete. I am scared of spending my life with this constant broken heart feeling because I know no matter how fantastic my experiences and memories may be, they come and go as quickly as they actually happen. I have an unscratchable itch, I think about suicide, I feel constant distance from the world and people around me and I do not believe there is an answer. I argued with someone that there is no objective meaning to life, that what we do and say ultimately doesn’t matter at all, and it is this thought which grips me and makes me contemplate ending it. He disagreed and said that we have to have some kind of meaning to our lives otherwise it would be completely stupid, which I consider to be a pathetic cop out. ‘There is objective and definite meaning to life because there has to be’. It doesn’t make sense, it’s circular, what an absolute load of shit. Open your mind. Why do I feel as though no one takes things as seriously as me? What’s wrong with taking everything seriously? I sometimes struggle to comprehend how some people don’t want to find out more about the world and existence and the very nature of reality and our lives or mortality!! I simply can’t imagine not even contemplating it, or being concerned or puzzled when I can’t see an obvious answer! I cannot just keep plodding along monotonously and taking things for what they are at face value. Nothing exists simply as that which is appears to be, there are always mroe complexities, more layers and constant variations in context. It is due to my belief that nothing can be said to be ‘a given’ (and don’t get me wrong, I think variety and individuality is the most fascinating aspect of life and living) that I feel anxious when I admit to myself that I crave stability and crave trust in everything. My beliefs and my needs are incompatible, but I do not think it is right that my beliefs are the things which needs to change. Either I help myself to need something else, or I end it all. I always do so well for a few weeks and then it just hits again, particularly when emotional relationships are involved. I refuse to settle for someone who I do not like even for the sake of some company, but I need to find evidence of love and trust to positively reinforce and mould my needs to fit with this. Everyone is too shallow, I fucking can’t stand to talk sometimes and I literally cannot stand myself for being misunderstood as arrogant or too deep or seen to be torturing myself. This cannot be controlled, and fuck you if you think I’m that self-indulgent.