double the fun
June 13, 2010
Two posts in one day means things aren’t good. I’m feeling so empty that the happiness of those around me is amplifying my loneliness. I am happy to talk selfishly about myself and my problems on here, but I feel immense guilt in talking about it in real life. I have been wrongly conditioned to think that my depression is what makes me a burden to those I am friends with, so to talk about it is to see myself as more worthy than everyone else. I know deep down this isn’t right, but whenever I try to disclose how I feel, I irritate myself and assume that those listening are irritated too.
‘Nobody wants to listen to me; I’m boring everyone by talking about myself; If everyone else can get on and not be depressed than why can’t I manage it?; I’m making a big deal out of nothing when other people have worse problems than I do; Nobody would really care if I ceased to exist, in fact it would be one less annoying thing for them to have to deal with.’
I think the sole reason I haven’t attempted suicide is my Mum, I know that she would blame herself and would probably do the same, and I don’t want her to think that. I don’t blame her for anything, although I would find it easier if she could be strong enough to support me. This makes me feel even more guilty for feeling this way. I don’t want to die unless I really cannot see a way out, and at the moment I feel as though I wish to end my own life in terms of the pain and anguish that I feel every day, but I cannot bring myself to hurt those around me. I know this is a good thing, but the pain gets progressively worse to a point where getting drunk and taking drugs only numbs me for one day, then the come down increases my feelings of worthlessness and intense despair. It’s so hard to describe, but feeling lonely and empty are so much more than a physical pain, it’s as if my very being, or what you might describe as a soul is in agony and I have no way of soothing it.
All I want is to believe that I am worth all this effort of existing, and at the moment I don’t believe it. I know I shouldn’t feel like I need someone else’s validation, and I don’t really think that’s it. I just want someone who I can take care of and they can appreciate my selflessness rather than a selfish person who uses me to gratify their own ego. I’m just glad I am becoming better at noticing before I get too involved.
