le squimble bim! Bum squeak!

Everything falls

into place.

For the first time ever, I make sense to me, and I fully understand my relationship with both the world and the people around me. I’m not angry with everyone and everything, and having my morals and beliefs criticised does not make me frustrated or judged. I accept that I am allowed to think what I like, and I can change that as often as I like. I certainly feel like I was somehow making my own life hard by not opening my eyes to what was really going on, by not seeing how I was bottling up my energy instead of letting it radiate out in a variety of ways towards other people.

There is something satifying about having a conversation with a person who is irate and defensive, and simply keeping yourself calm and your thoughts clear, without anger, without assumptions that you are being misunderstood. I do not snap at people any more, and I find that people do not annoy me or irritate me like they once did. My mind just feels so tranquil, like still calm water, and I am literally experiencing life in such a different way.

But, as ever, there is still a part of me that longs to share this feeling with someone else. To find someone who sees the beauty in everything, and is accepting of themselves in such an unpretentious and genuine way. I welcome it with open arms, but I do not chase after it. I have some of the most winderful and inspiring friends that I have had in a long time, and I don’t think they even realise it. I hope that they see my friendship and each smile as a sign that I appreciate them whole-heartedly. They’re all awesome.

could you wave goodbye to sun the sea the stars..

I had a dream about someone last night that was far too real. Now the weather just seems that much more grey…I don’t think it’s meant to be.

dream a little dream of me

Sometimes we have little daydreams, little fleeting thoughts that enter our heads by something that is seemingly instinct or repressed unconscious desires. Then occasionally, we end up in situations that let us indulge in those fantasies just a little bit more, whether it is for 5 minutes or 2 hours, and it is through these experiences that our fleeting thoughts and wishful thinking seems all the more distilled and all the more worthwhile. Not only now do I have my personal little ‘what ifs’, I have something more tangible upon which I can base them.

Today I felt butterflies for the first time in a long time, and despite the fact that they are no doubt phantom forms, they still made my day.

Pro-Life messageboard

Everyone keeps talking about ‘miracles’ and how babies that were supposed to be aborted due to severe disabilities ‘miraculously’ survived after a natural birth. That is simply not the case…medical staff, doctors, consultants, surgeons, nurses and any other medical staff are not super-human, they use their knowledge and training to make the best judgments they possibly can. Human nature is erratic and unpredictable, and a small percentage of cases which did not follow the outcome that was expected cannot be used to completely rule-out abortion as an option. I AGREE that there should be more education about contraception, and I agree that multiple abortions for the same woman shows that there is a serious problem, but not everyone is the same as you or me. I have never had an abortion, and I do not want kids, and yes these videos / photos make me feel uncomfortable when I think about how it would feel to be going through that myself.

If a woman consentually has sex and falls pregnant, whether she planned to or not, it should be HER choice whether she continues with the pregnancy. Do you think that it is fair for mothers to have as many kids as they like? Maybe a 17-year old single mother who now has 2 children and is receiving free benefits and housing from the taxpayer to support them, and who is incapable of bringing them up to have good values, morals and social skills because she is still only a child herself? Abortion should be something that makes women think twice about letting themselves fall pregnant, and I believe that the full implications of not only pregnancy, but also of motherhood should be explained fully in schools.

I don’t think I even have the energy to comment on adoption. How many thousands of orphans are there around the world who may never have another family or parents? Surely you should be trying to help them before bringing yet more children into the world? Unfortunately our natural instinct for procreation is too easily lamented. Why would you want to care for someone else’s child rather than create one of your own that is a part of you. But then…have we not come full circle, to the point where you were defending the lives of unborn babies? Why not the lives of the ones who have already been born?

Abortion may be clinical, and it may be painful both physically and mentally, but only to the person who has made the decision to have it. THEY are the ones who have to live with the effects, not you. You need to stop judging people on the decisions that they make, and think about your morals in a broader context. If you are Pro-Life, then I sure as hell hope you do every single one of these and more: give money to the homeless, donate money to the third world, donate your organs after you die, give blood, recycle, fund cancer research, provide foster care, adopt unwanted children, refuse to buy unfairly traded goods, refuse to buy any clothes or shoes made in sweatshops, campaign against torture, support refuges for victims of domestic violence etc etc etc.

You need to focus your attention on all definitions of ‘Life’, those people who are in bad situations now, rather than speculating over what the life of an unborn child ‘could have been’.

4444444444444444444

The only things you need in life are aspirations, confidence, motivation and self-belief. Your aspirations will give you direction, confidence simply helps you ignore that voice inside your head which tells you that you’re not capable. Motivation is the catalyst that turns your aspirations into reality, and self-belief is the conviction that makes it all worthwhile.

I am no genius, but I see that these things are fully attainable by anyone who wants them, and I find it pretty tough to get my head around the idea that a lot of people don’t long for these things in the way I do. Without direction, life just becomes  aimless wandering, with no evolution, no improvement and no growth. These are all the ways in which we can make ourselves and the world so much fucking better. I find it completely ridiculous how people criticise others for actively wanting to learn, for not needing to get drunk all the time, or for caring about what is right and wrong more than simply themselves. Selfishness and ignorance used to anger me and frustrate me. Now I find that when I see those qualities in other people, it simply makes me happy that I’m not guilty of that behaviour.

Coolness doesn’t exist anywhere except in your own mind. There are no parameters for measuring ‘cool’, so do not let it ruin you and your relationships with others. The reaction to someone who you consider to be ‘cool’ is more often than not one of ridicule, through some sort of justification in your mind that the person in question also thinks they’re cool and therefore needs to be put in their rightful place. How can you judge someone in such a deplorable way when you have no doubt at some time felt to be judged by others?

I am a very transient person who finds it easy to see the whole picture, and I just don’t take any bullshit. I’m not sorry about it, and you shouldn’t either. Maybe you should just have a think about it yourself and decide if you want to change. I’m not holding your fucking hand, I’ve got my own life to live, but you’re welcome to come along for the journey if you so wish.

higher and higher and higher

Planning on USA exchange for next year…Tokyo/Nagasaki trip 2010…New Year’s. Eve, in fact just the next few weeks will be awesome…..Passion Pit, Ben’s party, SebastiAn at the Warehouse Project, Two Door Cinema Club, Halloween. Then for the following two years of my degree – Sri Lanka / Salvador / New York / Rarotonga / Copenhagen. I can’t bear to stay still. I can’t stand stagnancy, it suffocates me but it seems to be present in too much of my environment at the moment.

As for my matters of the heart once more…there are none. I know you read this and you want me to write something else about you, but no offense…..my life is made up of lots of sentences. Some have been more like paragraphs, one or two like chapters. But let’s face it…..it was just the one sentence. So lets not linger when the rest of the story is waiting to be written. And the moody texts? Not cool.

I am not a jigsaw with a piece missing….I am the missing piece to someone else’s puzzle. That’s how I always want it to be.

cabin fever

I still maintain that Akira is one of the most awe-inspiring and forward-thinking films I have ever seen.

Forward

You’re on my mind. Am I being ridiculous? To be honest I don’t think you ever left it….

messy weekends don’t make your thoughts any clearer

I have an epic hangover. That’s what happens when you drink too much rum/vodka/jagermeister in the space of 4 hours. The fact that today has been a complete write-off just makes me feel really sad, especially after watching the Great North Run earlier today. People who are blind and have brain tumours were running half marathons, and I just got drunk, spent all day in bed and didn’t actually feel any more alive or fulfilled than I did yesterday. It annoys me that we don’t all strive for more, that people don’t see how other things can be just as fun as getting pissed and dancing til 3am. Yes, on occasion this can be an awesome way to socialise and have a few laughs, but what happened to bike rides through the countryside, getting a train to a city you’ve never been before, or even going to the fucking library? I have such a genuine lust for life that my food shop is one of the most self-affirming and fun things that I do on a regular basis. I feel terribly guilty for thinking this, but I do look at other people and think…’How can you not be feeling stagnant doing the same things and going to the same places week in week out? Do you not get bored or feel like your life doesn’t seem to be, well…going anywhere particularly?’. It makes me sound like such a snob, and in a way I suppose I am. Creativity and progression are how we’re designed, that’s how everything in the world is designed. EVOLUTION. That change and growth that you feel inside when you’re experiencing and absorbing the world around you is just like crack to me. Seriously, open your fucking mind or at least try using it for once. Don’t criticise me for being ‘uncool’ or ’sad’ by enjoying folding my clean clothes and putting them away. I’m enjoying every second that I’m here and wouldn’t change it for the world. I feel the need to cut away all the deadwood from my life at the moment…quitting smoking, exercising again, saving money, getting early nights and actually questioning all the things that I do out of habit. Do I have to go and have cigarette breaks at work even though smoking is making me feel like shit? No. Do I have to go to Welly on a Saturday night because everyone goes and that’s what we always do on a Saturday? Of course not. I’m not going to let social politics dictate my life for me, I don’t care if you think I must have something wrong with me for wanting to work in a mortuary, and don’t assume that just because I’m covered in tattoos and like Hello Kitty that I’m not an intelligent human being. Ignorance and prejudice are the two things in the world that I hate more than anything, so don’t expect me to take it.

I am Bird Gehrl

So.

I had to make a decision, and that decision was to be complete unattached and single until I know what I want. But all I’m sure of now is that I remember why getting close to someone makes you vulnerable. I know it’s only been about 2 months, but once you open up to someone then it makes you hurt so much more.

I want to stay friends, but the thought of him being just a friend makes me worry that I’ll miss him. I don’t want to feel resentful if he meets someone else, but the though of not being quite as close as we were is what’s upsetting me. Fuck’s sake, this is exactly what I didn’t want to happen. How the hell did I think this would turn out ok when I knew what I’d planned to do? Urgh…