mumumumumumuuuuuuuu

I feel intensely anxious about a party I’m meant to be going to tonight, as if I’m going to be put on the spot and judged. I feel sick, I feel like I’m overheating and shaking and I feel panicky. I wish I didn’t feel this way because I’ll spend my whole life indoors not fucking doing anything. I want to be free and do things that make me feel alive but my anxiety stops me so I can’t see the point in living. I feel as if I’ve figured things out about myself recently and that’s thanks to Gayle. I’ve dreamt about things that I’ve never dreamed before and they’re inspiring. I want to paint and draw and read and write, I don’t feel guilty for who I am any more. I don’t feel like I have to apologise. By exercising and looking after myself I’m reclaiming myself from my own restrictions. I have feelings for someone which will never lead to anything and it makes me feel like at least I know when my love isn’t based solely on reciprocation

the time for being unrelentless is now

I do not believe in true love and I do not believe that you can ever completely trust anyone. I don’t know why I crave security so much, but I know that people are irrational just like me, so I will never find that person or place that makes me feel complete. I am scared of spending my life with this constant broken heart feeling because I know no matter how fantastic my experiences and memories may be, they come and go as quickly as they actually happen. I have an unscratchable itch, I think about suicide, I feel constant distance from the world and people around me and I do not believe there is an answer. I argued with someone that there is no objective meaning to life, that what we do and say ultimately doesn’t matter at all, and it is this thought which grips me and makes me contemplate ending it. He disagreed and said that we have to have some kind of meaning to our lives otherwise it would be completely stupid, which I consider to be a pathetic cop out. ‘There is objective and definite meaning to life because there has to be’. It doesn’t make sense, it’s circular, what an absolute load of shit. Open your mind. Why do I feel as though no one takes things as seriously as me? What’s wrong with taking everything seriously? I sometimes struggle to comprehend how some people don’t want to find out more about the world and existence and the very nature of reality and our lives or mortality!! I simply can’t imagine not even contemplating it, or being concerned or puzzled when I can’t see an obvious answer! I cannot just keep plodding along monotonously and taking things for what they are at face value. Nothing exists simply as that which is appears to be, there are always mroe complexities, more layers and constant variations in context. It is due to my belief that nothing can be said to be ‘a given’ (and don’t get me wrong, I think variety and individuality is the most fascinating aspect of life and living) that I feel anxious when I admit to myself that I crave stability and crave trust in everything. My beliefs and my needs are incompatible, but I do not think it is right that my beliefs are the things which needs to change. Either I help myself to need something else, or I end it all. I always do so well for a few weeks and then it just hits again, particularly when emotional relationships are involved. I refuse to settle for someone who I do not like even for the sake of some company, but I need to find evidence of love and trust to positively reinforce and mould my needs to fit with this. Everyone is too shallow, I fucking can’t stand to talk sometimes and I literally cannot stand myself for being misunderstood as arrogant or too deep or seen to be torturing myself. This cannot be controlled, and fuck you if you think I’m that self-indulgent.

only a little more falling

Hello Prozac. Four more weeks of hell and then maybe I can get through this.

planning plans for facilitating

I almost didn’t go to work today, indefinitely. I have lost a stone and a half over the last 12 months without even realising. I’ve moved back home and am going to see the doctor tomorrow, so here’s to hoping I’m finally saving myself. I still feel painfully alone in all this.

double the fun

Two posts in one day means things aren’t good. I’m feeling so empty that the happiness of those around me is amplifying my loneliness. I am happy to talk selfishly about myself and my problems on here, but I feel immense guilt in talking about it in real life. I have been wrongly conditioned to think that my depression is what makes me a burden to those I am friends with, so to talk about it is to see myself as more worthy than everyone else. I know deep down this isn’t right, but whenever I try to disclose how I feel, I irritate myself and assume that those listening are irritated too.

‘Nobody wants to listen to me; I’m boring everyone by talking about myself; If everyone else can get on and not be depressed than why can’t I manage it?; I’m making a big deal out of nothing when other people have worse problems than I do; Nobody would really care if I ceased to exist, in fact it would be one less annoying thing for them to have to deal with.’

I think the sole reason I haven’t attempted suicide is my Mum, I know that she would blame herself and would probably do the same, and I don’t want her to think that. I don’t blame her for anything, although I would find it easier if she could be strong enough to support me. This makes me feel even more guilty for feeling this way. I don’t want to die unless I really cannot see a way out, and at the moment I feel as though I wish to end my own life in terms of the pain and anguish that I feel every day, but I cannot bring myself to hurt those around me. I know this is a good thing, but the pain gets progressively worse to a point where getting drunk and taking drugs only numbs me for one day, then the come down increases my feelings of worthlessness and intense despair. It’s so hard to describe, but feeling lonely and empty are so much more than a physical pain, it’s as if my very being, or what you might describe as a soul is in agony and I have no way of soothing it.

All I want is to believe that I am worth all this effort of existing, and at the moment I don’t believe it. I know I shouldn’t feel like I need someone else’s validation, and I don’t really think that’s it. I just want someone who I can take care of and they can appreciate my selflessness rather than a selfish person who uses me to gratify their own ego. I’m just glad I am becoming better at noticing before I get too involved.

no time

What if it’s true that you are completely unlovable? Not because you’re an undeserving person, but because you are so affected by events in your past that you don’t know how it’s meant to work so you just destroy yourself at every chance? Or you do fucking stupid things that could potentially make friendships fall apart just because you’re reaching out for the affection you crave. Stop kidding yourself that someone is going to come along and make everything ok because even if they did you’d manage to fuck it up.

extinction

I  know  lots of people who are wonderful and inspiring, and they keep me going, and by keep me going I basically mean not commit suicide. Little messages, smiles, recognising things I would like.

It is our selflessness that keeps us woven together. Your egocentricity is not only unbecoming, but it is detrimental to those around you. If I reach out to you, take my hand, otherwise the same hand may not be there when you need it yourself.

is it funny? I had the urge to write ‘It’s funny that…’ until I realised, I’m not laughing

I don’t want to be one of those people who doesn’t want to be alone, but I think in reality I am. The only thing I have to make up for this fact is that i don’t lower my standards because of it. Never put your heart on the line just for the sake of a hand to hold at night. I feel as if I’ve been heartbroken for the last 2 years, I think about it every day. My friends help me laugh and smile, but every time I smile it makes me wish that smile was more genuine.

If I end up as a heartbroken poet who never finds love then that my friend…that will be hilarious.

every time it…

The level of despair I am reaching on a daily basis are breaking my soul completely. I literally can’t think of anything else, I spend hours sitting doing absolutely nothing and just feeling as though I don’t want to be here. I despise having to sleep, it angers me, it bores me utterly, no matter how many people I speak to, nothing is helping lift my mood. These thoughts are quite frightening, and I worry that one day soon I might suddenly find that moment where suicide is not only rational, but easy. Talking to my parents about day to day trivialities makes my blood boil, my lack of concentration on my degree work just cannot be helped no matter how hard I attempt to focus. A certain person whose company temporarily alleviates these feelings and helps me escape from reality a little can’t be there for me right now, if ever, so I miss them I suppose. The more I talk about this the more I become paranoid that I’m exaggerating things, sounding like a broken record, not explaining things clearly enough so people can see how serious this all is. I don’t need words of encouragement…I need medication, cognitive behaviour therapy, counselling and exercise. I think I pretty much need someone to sit and watch over me for the next 6 months.

hey you

“Aww, I missed ya honey, no I mean it I really did; now let’s toast all the stuff which we really used to hate in school, some kind of reclamation of everything that made us feel so awkward and futile. Just on the side there, next to…yeah that’s it, the black label. I never thought I’d love you so god damn much.”