atomic rebel versus accuracy

Every few hours, I have an intense 5 seconds of plummeting depression and utter despair. Then I love life again. It happens more frequently at night time. I think when I read The Myth of Sisyphus I will actually top myself after realising that it is a description of my life.

However, I fucking love my new Philosophical Texts module, as well as The Maccabees and train tickets for Brighton arriving in the post.

I also had a slice of carrot cake today which had loads of actual grated carrot on the top, and it was wonderful.

lame

I have nothing to say with passion and conviction, but I do have a few little whispering thoughts.

aaaah the power of the mind!

How do you know if you’re attracted to someone because you can see their kindness, as opposed to only seeing your own loneliness? How can you trust what it is that they see in you? My friend Kenny said that he felt he was unlovable, when I think he is one of the most lovable people I know. Is it my judgment or his that is wrong? I believe that it’s his. What if we took a poll? Would that help determine the truth?

This is obviously why I’m single. I’m going for my labotomy now.

I am not sure.

I am determined the January blues will not catch up with me.

I have decided to be less selfless. To not put everyone before myself without really thinking about it, like I did before. People are drifting away from me, and it seems I’m becoming rather happy about this fact. Less baggage and the like. People always show their true colours after time, especially when shitty things happy and they can’t ride the storm. They just go for thr easy option without even trying to move outside of their comfort zone. I’m focussing on the people that I haven’t yet met, as well as those who’ve stuck with me for more than one cycle of seasons.

Work is boring as fuck, I’m finding it hard to repeat myself over and over…and I cannot stand working with people who get in moods and snap at you. I’m not fucking stupid, I’m asking you something because I know you want it doing right…just because you’re having an ego trip, doesn’t mean you can talk to me like a piece of shit. Lead by example, not tyranny. I know this, I have done the same job as you before.

Uni is ok, I can’t wait to get my exams out of the way and start my second semester, my Reason Logic & Argument module was really fucking difficult, and I only need to pass the thing, so let’s hope I get a high enough mark to make up for my abysmal essay mark. Everything else is going better than expected, I’m nicely surprised with my first for my essay on the justification of punishment, which has helped my confidence more than I could have hoped.

My only problem now is deciding where to go over summer. Do I save for a holiday? Go volunteering? Leave my job of just over a year so I can travel and then find something new when I come back? It depends how much I can afford to splash really. I was tempted to buy a bike and just fuck off round europe on my own for a while. That would be amazing. Complete freedom. I have a little bit of time to decide, but for now I’m sticking with a few trips to Leeds here and there, and a few to Southampton, maybe Brighton still.

I am dead set on not hitting a low point before Jan 31st….February onwards is the easy, downward slope to the relaxation that is summer.

desperados

I like to steal other peoples drinks when they leave them on the table.

I do not care if you think I am harsh or opinionated or heartless. I would rather be this way than be a pushover, or spineless. These aspects of my personality do not mean I have no feeling, they just mean that you need to toughen up and learn to stick up for yourself.

Somewhere in the world you are there. You won’t be intimidated by me and I won’t act shy around you, and everything will make sense when we decide we’ve found the right route to travel.

Everything between now and then is just the elimination of the alternatives one by one, so when you do appear, it will be the most clear and distinct vision I have ever had, and it will be the most amazing thing we have ever experienced. I don’t just believe this, it’s inherent knowledge. We’ll be lost without this.

cast some light

Why is it I balance on the edge of loving and hating life? There are moments I feel so fulfilled and full of euphoria for all the things that fill my days. Other times, I feel nothing but despair and futility in my life and the world around me. I have dreamt about someone for three nights within the space of a week, and have awoken to feel severely depressed and wondering what it is these dreams mean. Do I miss that person in particular? Do I miss the idea of what that person represents? Do I just miss anyone and you’re the person I have subconsciously chosen to fill that space?

Now I’m just alone in my own world, waiting for someone to cross my path, worrying that you were in my periphery  when maybe you should be in my clear line of vision.

All I want is to communicate with you but I have no way to do so. Regardless of whether I’m insane, I just needed to write this down.

weird porcelain cat – ‘TUESDAY IS YOUR LUCKY DAY ENJOY IT’

the restoration of faith is something that cannot be self-inflicted.

Thanks to every person who has made me smile, the next 40 years are going to be good ones, especially when they involve motion.

le squimble bim! Bum squeak!

Everything falls

into place.

For the first time ever, I make sense to me, and I fully understand my relationship with both the world and the people around me. I’m not angry with everyone and everything, and having my morals and beliefs criticised does not make me frustrated or judged. I accept that I am allowed to think what I like, and I can change that as often as I like. I certainly feel like I was somehow making my own life hard by not opening my eyes to what was really going on, by not seeing how I was bottling up my energy instead of letting it radiate out in a variety of ways towards other people.

There is something satifying about having a conversation with a person who is irate and defensive, and simply keeping yourself calm and your thoughts clear, without anger, without assumptions that you are being misunderstood. I do not snap at people any more, and I find that people do not annoy me or irritate me like they once did. My mind just feels so tranquil, like still calm water, and I am literally experiencing life in such a different way.

But, as ever, there is still a part of me that longs to share this feeling with someone else. To find someone who sees the beauty in everything, and is accepting of themselves in such an unpretentious and genuine way. I welcome it with open arms, but I do not chase after it. I have some of the most winderful and inspiring friends that I have had in a long time, and I don’t think they even realise it. I hope that they see my friendship and each smile as a sign that I appreciate them whole-heartedly. They’re all awesome.

could you wave goodbye to sun the sea the stars..

I had a dream about someone last night that was far too real. Now the weather just seems that much more grey…I don’t think it’s meant to be.

dream a little dream of me

Sometimes we have little daydreams, little fleeting thoughts that enter our heads by something that is seemingly instinct or repressed unconscious desires. Then occasionally, we end up in situations that let us indulge in those fantasies just a little bit more, whether it is for 5 minutes or 2 hours, and it is through these experiences that our fleeting thoughts and wishful thinking seems all the more distilled and all the more worthwhile. Not only now do I have my personal little ‘what ifs’, I have something more tangible upon which I can base them.

Today I felt butterflies for the first time in a long time, and despite the fact that they are no doubt phantom forms, they still made my day.